A Christmas Nightmare
by Girly 411
Summary: It's Christmas Eve at the Venturi house. When Derek has to dress up as Santa and Edwin and Martie are on the prowl, things are going to get messy. R&R!


**A Christmas Nightmare!**

**Summary: **It's Christmas Eve at the Venturi house. When Derek has to dress up as Santa and Edwin and Martie are on the prowl, things are going to get messy. R&R!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Life With Derek_ or any other Disney Channel productions… but the spoofs are mine (only the ones I write, so any of yours belong to you)! I am also a Disney Channel addict and originally wrote my spoofs and fanfics in play format.

**(A/N)** **This is my first one-shot, so please don't judge it too harshly, but I would appreciate it if you would read and review. Plus, I got some of these ideas from my cousin and my younger brothers. It might be a bit of a weird fic, but read it anyway. Enjoy!**

The Venturi house was almost calm and quiet, well, except for the buzzing of the Christmas holidays ringing in their ears. The lights on the Christmas tree in the living room were glowing brightly and it was almost time for dinner. Christmas was coming and the whole Venturi house knew what that meant.

Casey was sitting on the couch attempting to read a book, while Derek blasted the TV's volume to drown out the noise coming from upstairs. Martie eagerly ran down the stairs and jumped on the couch, climbing on top of Casey, who dropped her book in surprise. "Santa! Santa's coming tonight!" Martie screamed excitedly for the twelfth time that day, "And this time, I'll be ready for him!"

"Really?" Casey asked her younger stepsister, glancing towards Derek with a smug smile on her face.

"Yeah!" Martie answered, her face full of excitement as she uncapped a tube of pink lipstick.

Just then, Edwin ran down the stairs and joined in on the conversation. "Hey, Derek," he called, approaching the teen, who was paying little to no attention, "Guess what I've got planned for tonight?" He stood in front of Derek, who just attempted to look around him to see the TV screen. "I'm going to hunt down Santa this year and make sure he gives me everything I asked for," Edwin explained.

Derek rolled his eyes and pushed him out of his way, returning his attention to the TV.

Edwin just shrugged and picked up a Maverick Nerf gun from the corner of the room. "I'm going to need this."

"Stop!" Lizzie told him, coming down the stairs.

"Why?" Edwin asked, not particularly caring what her reason was.

"You _can't_ hurt Santa," Lizzie stated, heading towards the couch.

"Why _not_?" Edwin questioned, only slightly offended.

"Because if you beat him up, he won't give us any gifts," Lizzie explained as she walked over to him, "and he might not come back next year… or ever again."

"Well, then, we all hope Santa gets here on time tonight," Casey stated, looking up from where she sat, "Don't we, _Derek_?"

Derek grunted in response, not taking his eyes off the TV for a second.

"He better because I can't wait forever for the guy," Edwin stated in spite of the glare he was receiving from Lizzie.

"We're supposed to go to sleep or else Santa won't come," Lizzie explained, taking another step closer to Edwin, who backed up and gulped.

"There's no need to get aggressive about it, Liz," he stated nervously.

"Not unless you put that Nerf gun down and forget about hurting Santa," Lizzie threatened.

"I don't have to listen to you," Edwin said in response.

"Then, I'll have to _make_ you put it down," Lizzie responded through gritted teeth. At that, Edwin tried to get around her, but she blocked his path.

Derek turned to look at them for a second and said loudly, "Edwin, Lizzie, keep it down. I'm trying to watch TV."

"Not until Edwin gives me the Nerf gun," Lizzie answered, blocking his next attempt to escape to the stairs.

"Never!" Edwin told her.

"If you won't give it to me, then I'll just have to take it from you," Lizzie explained to him as she lunged for the Maverick in his hand, but Edwin jumped out of her reach.

"Are you going to hurt me with it?" he asked skeptically.

"Yes!" Lizzie responded, "I won't have to if you hand it to me freely."

"I'll never give it to you!" Edwin exclaimed.

Casey and Martie had turned to face them and were watching the two from where they were sitting on the couch. "Guys, be careful," Casey warned them, "And, Lizzie, try not to hurt Edwin too badly. We need him to look presentable for our Christmas card picture tomorrow."

"I won't hurt him if he'll cooperate." She turned to look at her older sister, unintentionally giving Edwin the time needed to escape up the stairs. "Come back here!" Lizzie called as she ran after him.

"I don't have to follow through with your demands," Edwin retorted.

"Just scare him into the closet or something," Derek suggested, "Edwin's a wimp anyway."

"Santa _will_ come tonight, won't he, Casey?" Martie asked, looking back at her stepsister.

Casey picked her up and placed her on the floor. "Yes, he will," she reassured the younger girl, "and Derek will make _sure_ he comes."

Martie's eyes lit up and she ran over to her big brother, whose eyes had opened wide with realization. "Will you really, Derek?" she asked him.

"Of course, he will, Martie," Casey responded for the teen, "because he's your big brother and he loves you very much. Right, Derek?"

Derek looked at his younger sister, who had attached herself to his legs. "Yeah. Sure, Smartie," he replied and his voice cracked in fear. He knew exactly what was going to happen next. And he _wasn't _looking forward to it.

"Thanks, Smerek!" Martie spoke loudly, hugged his legs, and quickly headed up the stairs to her room, "I can't _wait_ for tonight!"

"Speaking of which…" Casey began the moment Martie was out of earshot and smiled to herself, "Derek, if my calculations are right, it's _your_ turn to put the gifts under the tree this year."

"Yeah? What makes you say that?" Derek asked, hoping that Casey wouldn't say what he knew she was thinking.

"Because _I_'ve done it for the past few years," Casey said smartly, crossing her arms in the process.

"Just because Dad and Nora aren't here to do this stuff for us this year, you're torturing _me_ with the Santa suit and phony beard?" Derek asked, sitting up straight in his armchair.

"Exactly," Casey answered, enjoying every minute of Derek's confusion, "Plus, George would be here with Mom _now_ if you hadn't insisted they take a Christmas vacation in Hawaii."

"But…" Derek tried to intervene, although Casey continued to ignore him.

"And _why_ did you insist they go on a vacation?" Casey asked, though she knew perfectly well why Derek had performed this act of 'charity', "Oh, that's right. You wanted to throw a party while they were gone. As always, you found _another_ way around their no party rules. So, _you_ get to be Santa this year as punishment for lying to George and Nora."

"But _I_ had to do it for _you_," Derek objected, attempting to get himself out of the mess.

"Yeah, about that," Casey continued without sympathy, "You were _forced_ to do it out of respect to show me what this Tradition of yours was about. Now, you can do that for your younger siblings, who still carry the spirit of Santa in their hearts."

"That's just my point. They still carry his spirit in their hearts and a Nerf gun in their hands," Derek stated in attempt to dissuade her, "Not to mention Martie's weapon of mass destruction. _That's_ something to cringe about."

"What would that be?" Casey asked as an even bigger smile crept across her face.

"Her _makeup_," Derek explained as if it was the most obvious fear in the world and followed Casey with his eyes as she got up from the couch and crossed the room, "That stuff really hurts. It _burns_ the skin."

"You'll get over it," Casey told him before grabbing a pair of bags carefully concealed in a corner of the room under several other Christmas decorations, "I hear they're staking out the house for Santa this year, so you're going to need some luck. Good luck!" She handed Derek the bag, which contained the Santa suit and beard. Then, she handed him the bag of gifts.

"I despise you," Derek reminded her, casting her a glare, which only made her smile brighten.

"I know," she stated before heading up the stairs. Stopping halfway up, she turned back to say one last thing. "Oh, and if you ruin Christmas for them, you will _not_ wake up tomorrow," she warned him, "Got it?"

Derek nodded slowly and watched her continue to walk up the stairs before he leaned back in his armchair and groaned. Either way, he was doomed.

~~~~~~ That night, Derek had slipped on the Santa costume and braved the stairs, managing to get to the tree without any trouble. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered to himself, then he noticed a shadow and a rustling in the kitchen, "That was a little creepy. I know those two creatures are down here somewhere, so I'm going to have to watch my back." He started to put the presents under the tree with caution.

In the kitchen…

Edwin and Martie were watching the Santa figure silently. Edwin nodded to his younger sister as he prepared the Maverick and whispered, "Ready, sis?"

"Ready, bro!" she whispered in return and uncapped the lipstick tube.

"_Charge!_" the two yelled, exiting the kitchen at full speed as they ran towards the Santa, who looked up at them in fear.

"No!" Derek screamed, but Edwin had already started shooting Nerf darts and Martie held up the lipstick tube almost menacingly. Derek yelped as Martie knocked him to the floor. She was _a lot_ stronger than she looked.

"How about a little _lipstick_?" she asked, applying it to as much of his lips as the beard would allow.

"Okay, I understand that you have a lot of other houses to get to, so let's just make this quick. You remember the list I sent you with everything I wanted for Christmas, right? It's a pretty decent list of items necessary for the new year, so I'm going to make this _very _clear. You better have brought every last one of them," Edwin demanded, pointing the Maverick at the target struggling to break free from the little girl, "If you make this easy and recite everything you brought, I'll call off the girl."

When the Santa didn't reply right away, he loaded a few more darts from his pocket into the empty spaces on the Maverick's ammo chamber. "Not gonna come easy, are you? Fine, then eat Nerf, fat man," he stated and proceeded to fire off another round. Tossing the gun to the side as he ran out of darts, he grabbed hold of the Santa's coat and glared. "You have no idea what'll happen to me if I don't have that stuff." Edwin landed a punch to the Santa's large stomach as Martie continued to torment the man with the tube of bright pink lipstick.

Casey sneaked down the stairs with a camera in hand and grinned. "Memories that will last forever in a nice picture frame on the hallway wall," she laughed silently, watching the two unleash unholy vengeance on Derek. "One for us," she stated as she snapped the first picture, "and one for the school website." She took one final picture and sneaked back upstairs, sniggering to herself.

~~~~~~ The next morning, everyone ran downstairs to open their gifts. The only one who didn't come down right away was Derek. Casey walked to the bottom of the stairs and tried hard not to laugh. "Derek, that's no way to spend Christmas," she spoke loud enough for him to hear, "Get out of bed and come downstairs to spend some time with the family!"

"Yeah!" Martie called up the stairs, wanting more than anything to explain what had happened the night before.

"We want to tell you how much we beat up Old Saint Nick last night," Edwin added excitedly, then realized Lizzie was standing right next to him.

Her jaw dropped and she stared at him as he slowly turned to face her with a fearful look plastered across his face. "You did _what_?" Lizzie shrieked as anger filled her voice.

"I think Derek's heard enough about Santa for a while," Casey told them.

Lizzie sat down on the couch with her arms crossed and glared at Edwin, who backed off into a corner of the room. Derek came downstairs with makeup smeared all over his face and several bruise on his chin.

"What happened, Derek?" Martie asked as she ran over to him in concern.

"Yeah, it looks like you had a run-in with Martie's closet." Edwin straightened up and looked at his older brother, wondering what he'd been doing last night that he came out looking like _that_.

"I couldn't find the bathroom," Derek muttered sarcastically.

Before anymore could be said on the matter, the doorbell rang, saving Derek the trouble of explaining anything further. Casey crossed the room and opened the door to find Max waiting outside. "Max!" Casey exclaimed in excitement upon seeing her boyfriend, "Come in."

"Thanks, Casey." He smiled gratefully at her and walked inside to greet the others as well. "Hey, guys."

Just then, he caught a glimpse of Derek's face and turned to him in slight amusement and surprise. "Whoa, Derek! What attacked your face?" he questioned curiously, "Did someone set the neighbor's cats loose on you?"

Derek glared with embarrassment and anger. "No, I couldn't find the bathroom," he growled in response.

Max backed away from the disgruntled teen and Casey grabbed his arm, leading him over to the couch.

"Yeah!" Martie piped up as Max sat on the couch with her oldest stepsister, "But _I_ still think he broke into my closet."

"No," Max stated with a smile, "If he did that, I'm sure he'd be sporting one of your dresses with the matching purse."

"In that case, he should've gotten the blue one," Edwin voiced his opinion as Derek sat down in his armchair, "It's _much_ better than the alternative."

"It would draw more attention away from his face," Casey added with a laugh, "Which reminds me… It's time for our family Christmas photo to put on our cards this year."

"But we can't have Derek looking like _that_," Lizzie pointed out, "It's not right."

"Yeah, he'll scare anybody who receives our cards and then they'll never open it for fear of what might be written on the inside," Edwin joked, "And besides… it's a Christmas card, _not_ Halloween."

"Everybody in front of the tree," Casey instructed, as she handed Max the camera, "Would you mind taking the picture, Maxy?"

"Sure, Case," he agreed and took the camera from her. They stood up and Casey rounded up her younger siblings.

"Come on, Derek. Join in on the fun," Lizzie suggested, eyeing him sympathetically.

"Do I have to?" Derek asked, regretting their answer.

"Yes!" the others in the room urged him.

"All you have to do is say Merry Christmas," Max explained, readying himself to snap the picture as the others positioned themselves in front of the tree.

With that, Derek picked up Edwin's fully loaded Maverick and sarcastically gave his Christmas greeting. "Ho, Ho, Ho. _Merry Christmas_."

**(A/N 2) So, how was it? It _was_, after all, my first one-shot. I worked really hard on this and I will appreciate any comments you have to make on how I can improve my writing. Please R&R!**

**EDIT: This is the 3rd thing I ever posted on my account and I've revised it twice already. The first was to fix the spelling of Martie's name (as my first reviewer kindly pointed out to me that I'd spelled it incorrectly).**

**The second was for my New Year's "spring cleaning" binge, so I touched up on grammar and added more content, details, dialogue, and _my_ equivalent of page breaks aka: the squiggles that represent passing time.**

**_Original Post:_ 4/1/08**

**_First revision:_ 4/2/08**

**_Second revision:_ 1/1/11, 10/27/11, but posted on 10/30/11**

**Thanks to anyone who has already reviewed! =D It means so much to have your support!**


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